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WASHINGTON—The Department of Homeland Security announced today that members of the U.S. Marine Corps can use a properly deployed ‘Knife Hand’ as a valid form of identification at all federal election sites this year. “Marines may now present a Knife Hand in lieu of a state-issued ID or military Common Access Card as an exception to the REAL ID Act of 2005,” said Glen McFeely, a DHS spokesman. “When properly displayed, with all four fingers extended and the thumb tightly clenched, Knife Hands across the country can sufficiently authenticate Marines and enable them to cast their votes this election season.” A representative from the Federal Voting Assistance Program praised the decision. “Far too many Marines have been disenfranchised over the years due to an inability to present an adequate form of ID. No Marine should lose their ability to vote due to circumstances beyond their control, such as losing their ID after a long night of celebratory drinking or having their ID renewal application rejected due to being filled out in crayon.” Still, Voting Assistance Officers across the other military services were less enthusiastic. “I’m happy for the Marines, but why treat them differently than the rest of us?” said Army 1st Lt. Christopher Lorant, frustrated that soldiers were not allowed a similar authentication method, such as a thumbprint or other biometric data. “Maybe we could borrow those retinal scanners we used in the last Afghan election since they’ll unlikely need them ever again.” Col. Alan Langford, military historian for the French and Indian War Museum of Farmville, Pennsylvania, considers this change a natural evolution of a signature system that allowed illiterate frontiersmen to enter into contracts by ‘making their mark.’ “Every Marine’s Knife Hand is a sacred and distinct thing, and I cannot express how proud it makes me to know that Devil Dogs across the continent can Knife Hand through bureaucracy and exercise that sacred right to vote. We all know what happens to a society that doesn’t listen to the voices of the warrior caste. We end up with hard times and dull Knife Hands.” In response to the news, Navy Secretary Carlos Del Toro made a brief statement. “While I welcome the decision, which better enables our Marines to cast their votes, I must say as a former Surface Warfare Officer that I would pit my sailors and their ‘spoon hands’ against any foe, foreign or domestic, regardless of what kind of tableware their hands might embody. Also, a reminder that the Marines are part of the Department of the Navy, and I love all the servicemembers within the Navy equally, just like I love all the current political candidates equally.” A Federal Election Commission (FEC) representative issued a statement preemptively thanking all Marines for their service and asking them to exercise caution when deploying the Knife Hand to avoid inadvertent injury to poll workers. In response to multiple petitions the FEC received from members of the Specialist Mafia, the representative also confirmed that service members would not be permitted to sign ballots with a ‘mushroom stamp’ in place of a ‘John Hancock.’ The FEC expects to publish guidance early next week to assist poll workers in validating the Knife Hand. When asked for comment, a spokesperson from the Marine Corps simply stated, “Yut.” Ironic Major is a writer for @DuffelBlog. Aspiring mumble rapper. Notorious party crasher. Common sense aficionado. I also do balloon animals at parties.
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