Kyiv by spring!
February 9th, 2024 | Read Online | | "Da BARS!" Nicolai Russinski's Superfans Predictions for the Upcoming 2024 Offensive Season Kyiv by spring! |
| | |  | Things are looking up, up, up! |
| YEKATERINBURG, Russia—This past Friday, Russians across the nation tuned into a popular show, Nicolai Russinski's Superfans. Reporters for the Duffel Blog were fortunate enough to be invited to what is fast becoming an annual tradition: Ukraine Offensive Season Predictions. | The superfans gathered around a full table of roasted reindeer ribs, solyanka, pelmeni, kholodets, caviar and even blini for desert. The spread was huge and so was the hubris. | Nicolai wasn't coy about his pick for the upcoming offensive season. "Da BARS! | Nicolai's fellow superfans, Pavel Conscriptski and Lenoid Corruptnik both agreed eagerly "Da BARS!" they cheered in unison. | But no offensive season prediction was without controversy. This year has been no different, when it came to predictions. "Kyiv by end of February!" declared Russinski. | "That's what you said last two Februarys!" Corruptnik joked. "Seriously though BARS will have us to Kyiv by sundown." | Conscriptski was more adamant "Comrades, you think so small! Shoigu will have us annexing the Balkans by Spring. And we'll kill 400,000 Ukrainian neo-Nazis on the way and destroy their entire air force…again!" | The superfans' predictions proved a baffling loss to reporters as Russia fell short of recruitment goals this past summer, and total losses are assessed to have lost over 87 percent of its active duty force since the February 2022 invasion. Not to be outdone, there were plenty of hypothetical questions as well. | "Well what if the BARS were only 30 centimeters tall?" asked Russinski. "What would the enemy's casualties be? What about ours?" | "Mini-BARS perhaps stub a toe, 1.7 million Ukrainians dead and Zelenskyy surrenders all of NATO no later than Friday." Coruptnik insisted. | "What if all the motherland did was recruit prisoners or foreigners in a vain attempt to avoid full mobilization?" Conscriptski asked to no one in particular. | Admittedly, the superfans were stunned. "Nah!" said Russinski. "We know that our team, the team that has brought us glory remains da BARS!" | "Da BARS!" they all agreed and toasted themselves well into the night. | | The Duffel Blog Staff isn't glorifying alcohol but could drink the 456th Russian Motor Rifle Battalion under the table. | | Thoughts on today's story? Remember to vote early and vote often | | |
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